22 October 2015

Life as a waitress 2.0

When I was complaining about my constantly chipped nails in a blog post a couple of months ago due to the fact that I work in hospitality, one of my colleagues came up to me and said - I thought you ware going to write about all the idiots we have to deal with on an everyday basis! (Hey Anna!) So I thought I'd do just that. Give you en exclusive view of how we deal with YOUR bullshit. And hopefully it will teach you a thing or two about how to act in public places. Here we go.

I am going to keep this as short and concise as I can as there are a lot of things that I would like to bring up in this text. I am going to complain and get a lot of things off my chest.

Snapping fingers at me at the bar - congratulations mate, I will now ignore you until eeeveryone else has been served. I will then serve your drink in a warm glass straight out the dishwasher and I will probably over charge you as well. Manners cost nothing and DO NOT underestimate my authority.

Eyeballing me slowly up and down before answering my hello (I had a specific name here earlier but someone from work told my boss and he had a word with me about it - thanks for calling me out dear colleague).

The garden is closed - finish your cigarettes - lights another one. GET IN!

The bar is closed - can we pleeeeease have just a small glass of wiiiiiiine? No.

The lights are on full blast and all chairs have been put up on the tables. A guy walks in - are you still open? Yeah buddy, of course we are.

Old man: top this pint up please. Oh all the way up to the rim? So that you can have an extra half a mouth full of beer in your body? Or so that you can spill the exact same amount on your way to your table?

Your bill in the dining room is £239.40 and you put down £240 cash. I bring you back the 40 pence in a TIPS IS NOT INCLUDED protest and you say 'keep the change!' while you look at me like I'm cinderella. Oh my god thank you SO much. What should I do after I've split this fortune with EIGHT other people?! The possibilities are endless.

Oh you ordered your steak Medium did you? And then you send it back because it's overcooked? And I can se with my own eyes that your steak is cooked Medium? I am so sorry let me fix that for you........ Blood. Is. Boiling.

Okay, flushing the toilet after having a pee is common fucking sense. And when I come in to the toilet seeing that there is un-flushed pee in the toilet but NO toilet paper used - that's your first strike. When I see that there is pee aaaaaaaall over the seat and you haven't bothered wiping it off after you clearly mis-judged the distance from your fiffi and the ring, that's strike no 2. When I see that there is an explosion of poo on the inside of the toilet (how the hell does it get that far up, honestly WHAT are you doing?!), that's me locking the toilet door, putting up an 'out of order - don't get in there' sign and thinking that I've officially given up on humanity.